KATE BELLE ON THE INCONVENIENCE OF WILLIES
Today we're welcoming the hilarious Kate Belle, author of The Yearning as a guest ninja. She's obligingly given us some insight on how to wrangle a bloke's point of view in the bedroom.
As a writer of love stories there are times when this 100% red-blooded woman must write from male point of view (POV). As if climbing into a guy’s brain isn’t scary enough, sometimes I even have to describe what it’s like for him to have sex. Short of strapping on a ten inch purple silicone cock (which, I should point out, I don’t have) how can I know what it’s like to have a dick?
As far as I can see there are two ways to explore the idea – imagination and empirical and anecdotal evidence.
Women are lucky. Our genitals are neatly tucked out of the way and just as well. The female clitoris has twice the number of nerve endings as the head of a penis. Men tell of awkward situations where they’ve been inadvertently stimulated, like being pressed up against a stranger on a crowded train. If the clitoris were designed the same way as a penis we girls would have a LOT to worry about as we go about our day-to-day business. Leaning against washing machines, bike and horse riding would provide new, as yet untold pleasures.
To be honest, the idea of all having that highly sensitised flesh hanging out there in the air gives me the horrors. So lets move on to the alternative …
2. Empirical and anecdotal evidence
Those of you who’ve had close encounters with the male kind will be familiar with the common but bizarre ritual of giving their tackle a good waggle in the air when naked. I don’t know why, but men are so damned excited about having a wang they love to wave it around like it’s a helicopter propeller, accompanied by the ‘Woo-Hoo’ war cry. In doing this they appear to be blissfully unaware they are flirting with the complex human desire to give that silly, wobbly doodle a sound slap.
First conclusion: Having a dick makes you proud and reckless.
Then there’s the odd preoccupation men have with sticking their dick into things. It’s only natural I suppose, given that’s what penises are designed for, but when combined with adolescent curiosity it can lead to all some embarrassing, if not dangerous, situations. Incidents of men getting their knob stuck in all sorts of inanimate objects, like vacuum cleaner hoses, dumbbells, glass bottles, even toasters (it’s true, I found it on the internet!) are well documented and defy understanding.
Second conclusion: Having a dick makes you do stupid things.
Then there’s the issue of accessibility. Apparently external genitals just beg to be scratched, adjusted, stroked and generally fiddled with in public and private. I suspect its simply because they are there. And it probably goes some way to explaining the male preoccupation with groping around our girly bits when they get the opportunity. I guess they figure if it feels good for them, it will feel good for us too, and no amount of protest or denial will change their minds.
Third conclusion: A dick makes you unnaturally preoccupied with sexual body parts.
Overall conclusion: Having a penis must be a terrifying experience.
Potential for mishap and humiliation aside, the sheer force of presence a penis has would be enough to dominate the brain function of any rational being. I think I’ll stick to female POV’s. At least they can use their heads as they were intended – to think.