The hero of my latest release Unrestrained growls the odd Teutonic word to the heroine, and I needed no better reason to present to the world my highly selective guide to German for couples.
1. If you comfort eat and gain weight, your kind, well-intentioned German lover may point out your Kummerspeck. While the literal translation of the word is ‘grief bacon’, Kummerspeck just means excess fat from comfort eating. Likewise, while someone who speaks English would call the roll of fat above the waist a ‘muffin top’, Germans would refer to it as a bacon belt (Speckgürtel), which you may or may not find cute.
2. After your lover makes the grievous mistake of pointing out your Speckgürtel, sulk and breathe fire until he gives you Drachenfutter (dragon feed). Drachenfutter is an appeasement gift from one partner to another (after an unfortunate incident) to keep the aggrieved party from breathing fire.
3. Of course, you may think your lover a Weichei (soft-boiled egg) if he does offer you Drachenfutter, and wish you were dating someone less cowardly.
4. If, however, your lover is a Betthäschen or Betthase (literally "a bed bunny") who’s sexy or good in bed, you may choose to overlook their insensitivity.
5. Or you might just give them a reality check by asking “hast du nicht alle Tassen im Schrank?” Are you missing some cups from your cupboard? (Are you completely nuts?)
6. On the other hand, if your lover is a sugar-daddy or sugar-mama and you’re in a Bratkartoffelverhältnis (literally, ‘fried potato relationship’) then you’ll probably smile sweetly and say nothing.
7. If you’re the ‘actions speak louder than words’ type, you could always contact the Schwarzwälderkirschtortenlieferanten (black forest cake delivery person) and tell them to bring you another twenty cakes.
8. If you’re really mean, you could hold up one of the black forest cakes and say while you were keen to eat the topping off your lover’s brustwarze (nipples, literally breast warts) now you can’t because they’ve made you self-conscious about your weight.
9. If, however, your lover wears a face that cries out for a fist in it — a Backpfeifengesicht (literal translation is ‘a whistling face’) — you’ll probably serve him up a knuckle sandwich.
10. After the dust settles on your new single status, you’re then free to start dating again, hopefully without encountering der Tripper (gonorrhea, the clap or crabs).