Dear Lady Fluffy Beaver
I don’t have enough lettuce to afford a trip to Japan to celebrate the penis and vagina festivals held there in May. Is there a way I can celebrate in Australia?
Yours in destitution
While the spring fertility festivals in Japan do produce some awe-inspiring images and souvenirs, there’s nothing to keep you from genital worship in Oz.
Carve your own giant wooden phallus and invite some mates over to carry it around the neighbourhood while you toss (pardon the pun) penis-shaped candy to the local kids. This could be prefaced or followed by a game of Wheel of Goon (or Goon of Fortune as it’s also known).
Vajayjay lovers, you have so many options! You could buy a 101 Vagina wall calendar or book, the profits of which go to local and international women’s charities. 101 Vagina is about breaking down the taboo around vaginas, banishing body-image shame, and busting myths about what’s normal.
Or, you could join the labia pride movement and become a grassroots vulva activist (they even have t-shirts!). But if you want to show some real commitment—and prove you’re not just a pink taco tourist—get a tattoo like this.
Yours in vulva solidarity,