You’d waddle too if you had to carry around an ankle spanker twice as long as your own body. The Argentine Blue-Bill Duck hides a dark secret: a 17-inch, spiraling fowl phallus. One could speculate that the Argentine Blue-Bill Duck is packing so much heat because it’s making up for the 97% of bird species that lack any penis whatsoever. So what’s a lady duck who doesn’t care for a 17-inch nobbing meant to do? Develop an organic chastity belt, of course. Lady ducks have confounding snizzes, equally long and twisting as the drake’s ding-dong, and lined with dead-end pockets and spirals that defy unwanted baby batter.