Ninja Recommended Sneaky Reads

Review of Gay Dinosaur Billionaire Adventures with Bigfoot and Friends!

Are you ready to “test the prehistoric waters”?

If so, be warned: Like many of the characters in story, you may be left feeling confused and slightly ashamed for enjoying the human-on-dino action and wanting more. 

But it won’t be because of any thrillingly sticky dinosaur jizz showers (unless that’s your thing). Rather, it’ll be because every story in this anthology is hilarious, and intentionally so (though some of the stories are disturbingly hot despite their tongue-in-dino-cheek nature).

Romance readers will enjoy the playful swipes at certain tropes and a well-known novel that shall not be named, and those familiar with the dino-porn epub fad (perhaps unwillingly so) will get a laugh from the over-the-top language: “his scaly torpedo”,  “jacking into that scaly matrix”, “my spiral-penised protector”.

The anthology stories are, in order of appearance:

T-Rex Wants Bigfoot’s Gay Billionaire Boyfriend 

Jezebel Lixxx’s story about Darren Bilderberg, the billionaire founder of TwitBookSpaceMyFace, and his betrayal by his Bigfoot lover (who offers him up to Rex Slaughter, a billionaire T.Rex playboy, as payment for debts) incorporates snapshots of Darren’s hilarious posts to TwitBookSpaceMyFace.

Darren’s compulsive texting leads to a break up with Bigfoot, but luckily Darren has all the emotional depth of a plastic credit card and two seconds after breaking up with Bigfoot he's ready for dino-peen action with Rex. Needless to say, being the “gay billionaire vessel of the Rex Slaughter’s rapturous cock” puts him in touch with his inner goddess. He’s torn (not literally), however, when Bigfoot returns for him.

Captive In The Raptor’s Dungeon 

What’s a girl to do when a “suave, well-dressed velociraptor” asks her out? If you’re 19-year-old barista, Allison, you borrow a co-worker’s dildo—one made from a mold of the peen of “pterodactyl porn star, James Deenosaur”—and try to “loosen yourself up” so to speak. Though it does turn out that velociraptors have a decided preference for blazing the Hershey Highway over popping virgin cherry.

Anyway, we know everything is going to work out beautifully between these two lovers the second we learn Allison is the sort of girl who flicks the bean while thinking about the T.Rex in Jurassic Park. This virgin’s way more kinky than Anastasia Steele.

Raptor Gang Bang 

Foofla La Pluge’s story was the most confronting in this collection for me because the tale of a macho man driven to crave violation by a pack of horny raptors is so well written that I fear it’ll legitimize the genre and spawn a series of imitation novels, movies, tele-movies and academic papers (none of which will be half as good as her story). Foofla will then become known as the 'raptor smut-loving destroyer of youth' and become the scapegoat of political leaders and media moguls who will blame her for everything from global warming to teen pregnancy.

The Billionaire Playboy Superhero Raptor’s Unexpected Lover 

There’s a hint of Marvel Comics to Arabella Snark’s story about a reporter character chasing a superhero raptor who he suspects was once a billionaire playboy. I’ll confess, I’m impressed by the way Ms Snark subverts the genre by having the human reporter bang the raptor. Literary innovation at it’s finest. And I loved that there’s a hint of happy ever after for the dino-human couple.

Oviraptor, My Love 

In this story by Crystal Lattis, the heroine is a young but experienced assistant working for Egmont Snatcher, son of former British Prime Minister Muffy Snatcher, and head of Yolo Industries. Chrissy is unsure whether it’s her DDDD cup size or ability to speak Oviraptorian that promps Egmont to invite her to travel to Miami with him. Their love is consummated on Egmont’s jet, and before they even touch down he’s already ogled her bare breasts which her last Oviraptor lover adored because they “reminded him of eggs, which oviraptors loved to eat. In fact, eggs—the larger the better—were the staple of their diets.” Some of the most hilarious lines from the anthology are in this story:

"I’d never felt more beautiful than I did in that moment, somewhere in the sky along the Eastern seaboard with a sexy billionaire oviraptor."

"The last image I had before I fell asleep was of Egmont, roosting on the footboard, his head tucked under one feathered forelimb. My spiral-penised protector. My billionaire hero with eyes and a heart made of gold.

Oviraptor, my love."

There’s no question I enjoyed this cabaret of high-comedy dino-smut. But please don’t anyone tell my mum I said that—she’d be disappointed in me because she prefers tentacle porn.

Fans of Shoshanna Evers, Delphine Dryden, Charlotte Stein and Audra North will treasure this dino-porn gem.