In Australia, the first Tuesday of November is Melbourne Cup Day. Supposedly, it’s “the race that stops a nation” but in practical terms, this means:
· normally intelligent women wear hats that look like alien spacecraft (after a crash landing)
· people unable to tell a mare from a gelding (hint: look for the giant dong) start talking like bookmakers
· Australian workplace productivity is flattened into unrecognizable road-kill under the relentless wheels of cheap champagne and dodgy office sweepstakes.
It’s all very Australian—except for the race entrants, those cocaine-snorting, multi-million-dollar wonder-ponies with gold-embroidered sphincters and pedigrees that fork off the Hapsburg family tree.
That’s why we need a more egalitarian cup day, an event for the masses.
Here’s how Australia’s new national event will roll:
· All derby steeds will be ‘bitsas’ of humble origin.
· No silly hats allowed. Express your fashion sense through colour coordinating your tattoos or sporting a radical thong cut.
· Rather than a starter’s gun, the event will begin with a three-way kiss between Hugh Jackman, Chris Hemsworth and Sam Worthington (purrrrr).
· No jockey whips allowed during the race. Those are reserved for the use of Hugh, Chris and Sam during the post-race ‘celebrations’. Please bring a can of whipped cream to contribute to this event.
Of course, we’re open to further ideas and if you have a great name for a racehorse, let’s hear it.